i just cried because i have no hobbies…how’s your pandemic going?
I’ve always been hard on myself. These last few weeks it has gotten worse. I keep telling myself I’ve gotten worse. I know, logically, this is unfair and just objectively untrue, but that doesn’t really matter.
For the past 7+ years I’ve been pouring my most creative and valuable energy into a career in people operations at different tech companies. For a little while I tried to share what I learned in blog posts, but then I soon became so burnt out that I couldn’t make the time for that, either. All of the time spent outside of work is now for recharging my batteries.
What I’m grappling with today is the potential of me being the issue and not the career or the companies I’ve worked at. By that I mean…have I been making it that much harder on myself because I haven’t sought any form of fulfillment outside of my career? Is it really the tech industry — or even capitalism — to blame? I feel so sure about this sometimes and then, at once, it muddies and I don’t know how I feel anymore.
I only have more questions for now. I’m scared and at the same time very thankful for what I have and what I’ve accomplished. Like I said, I’m hard on myself, so I don’t even know if I can trust myself when I say something like the above. How can I know I’m giving anything a fair shot when my own perspective is so far skewed in one direction? Well, there’s another question.
My husband, Adrian vila, suggested that I try thinking about the type of day I would like to have each day — knowing that is isn’t all under my control, but focusing on what is. With all of the above, I’ve been extremely frustrated, so I initially did not want to even entertain this advice. I’m warming up to it a bit more now.
What does an ideal day look like for me? It started to make me sad to think that I could barely fill in the gaps outside of work. Then I became angry with myself and more sad that I was being so dramatic and not able to complete the exercise. Adrián again helped in his wonderful, gentle way.
I like taking walks. I like moving my body in some way every day. It makes me feel better, more clear-headed.
I like cooking — attempting to create something delicious. I like to nurture myself and others with food.
I like to spend time with my loved ones. Whether it’s a few hours here and there with my husband, my parents, in-laws, friends, or other family members, this is time well-spent and important to me.
I like doing something creative*. I’m not much of a writer, but I’d like to write more. I love singing. I enjoy playing piano, though I’m not very good and this is a difficult hobby with our lifestyle**. The more I think about it, the more I miss photography and not giving myself the space to push it to its limits. I mean, I am and always have been too scared to let myself be “a creative”. I think this is the most important thing I can focus on in the coming months and years…a potential path to fulfillment outside of my career.
*When I allow myself the time for it. Most of my time is spent consuming things…YouTube, tiktok, twitter, Netflix, even books…these are not inherently bad, but I use them to keep me from creating things myself. I use them to appreciate what others create, and that is absolutely ok, but I think I’ve been a bit imbalanced with it.
**A bit of an excuse here. There is a piano in the apartment we stay in in Spain and one in my parents house in Indiana. I rarely touch either.
So, there it is. For now. Wish me luck.
